This is some advice from yours truly about the best way to do romantic relationships.
This is coming from a girl well acquainted with heart breaks [too acquainted]. I’ve cried for many boys, but I’ve had four true heart-breaks (two coming from the same guy).
My first major heart break would make it’s debut before I was even considered a teenager. I was in fifth-grade, during my highest season (sixteen boyfriends in one year), when I met the brother of the boy who would break my heart a year later. His name was Joel, (the heart-breaker’s brother), and I’m saddened to say he was infatuated with me. It’s sorrowful to recount, but I actually dated Joel, and like the fifteen boyfriends I had that fifth grade year, I dumped him like a hot potato–maybe gave ‘em two weeks, tops, before another boy caught my eye–his older brother. When I met JC it was Halloween. He was (up until that point), the cutest boy I’d ever seen; big hazel eyes, dirty blond hair, tight bod (for a thirteen year-old at least). This Puerto-Rican cutie-pie honestly resembled a young William Levy. He had a girl-friend, but that wasn’t an issue for me. Girl-friends or girls who liked the same guy as me were hardly an obstacle (or at least they weren’t before). So, I invited him to my twelfth birthday party. I was in sixth grade now, and he was in seventh (always had a thing for older guys). He came, and my, was he the topic for discussion for every girl at my party, even my sixteen-teen year old sister and mom! [I'm tellin' you, this boy was a looker!]. We slow danced (my dad got it on tape), to Ginuwine’s “Differences” and Usher’s “New Relationship” (my mom, knowing he had a girl-friend, asked the DJ to play it). Everything was going great, this guy was totally into me! (so I thought…) Shortly after my party, maybe a week or so, he dumped his girl-friend and asked me out. I was ecstatic!–for two weeks. He dumped me after some drama that took place with his ex (this girl literally walked around the school in her cheerleader uniform with a two by two foot poster saying I was a slut, so I did what any goodie-good twelve year old would do: did the same thing but with meaner labels. Sidenote:I wasn’t always a Christian). But I discovered from my bestfriend that this was only a reason to get rid of me because he really dug her cousin who had attended my party, but left early. Boy was I broken to pieces. JC left Miami and moved two hours away the same year. I cried for him for over a year, torturing myself with the song, “You Got it Bad.” I did have it bad, and I was only twelve! But that wouldn’t be the last time my little heart get’s trampled on.
I had a few mini heart breaks after JC; one in seventh grade, another in eighth, and then in tenth. I was now sixteen, and had met a new boy that surpassed my like of the rest, yes, even of JC. Chris, we’ll call him, was now the most beautiful guy I’d ever seen. This guy resembled James Franco in his prime (my friends and I would come up with code names for the guys we liked, his was, “J. F.”). Brown eyes that were never opened all the way, giving them a mysterious squint, always having a glimmer in them, even in the darkest of lighting. And his smile, oh his smile; pearly white against visibly soft thick pink lips. He had a good height for a sixteen year-old; 5’9, and everything from those squinty eyes to his deep and raspy voice was mysterious. But I’d quickly come to find he and I were on two very different walks in life. He was into drinking and smoking weed, I was not. So he relayed to me, right off the bat, that he wasn’t interested in “good girls.” I should’ve heeded the warning. Two weeks later he was dating a girl with basically the female version of his name, “Christina” we’ll call her (in real life the names were even closer). I was really hurt, because I’d researched this boy’s MySpace page up and down, had a three hour conversation with him over AIM, and convinced myself that he was perfect for me and that I too was perfect for him. I would believe this, albeit somewhat secretively, for two years before he’d finally give me the time of day.
His relationship with Christina lasted surprisingly long; over a year. I found out later that he had lost it to her and the fact that she was having sex with him had much to do with it. I also heard that he eventually dumped her because he got tired of her, and she became a bit crazy for him. This didn’t bother me too much, because I saw beyond his reputation. I was a virgin myself, and believed a good girl like me could change him. (Food for thought: you can’t change a guy, at least not permanently. Only God can change a person for good, and only if they WANT to change).
I was a Senior when we got reconnected, and he started to fall for me (well actually, under the stars one night, he confessed indirectly that he’d cared about me all along). This boy also believed that he could change for me. He told me he was willing to abstain from sex (even though for me, it wasn’t an option to begin with), and wait for me, no matter how much it killed him inside. (Ever hear that one, ladies?) Anyways, he waited all right, for two weeks! He blamed the break up on family issues, but he had another girl-friend not very long after, and then another, and later on that year, a week after hooking up with me again, I ran into him at the mall and guess who he was with? Christina!
Well, he broke my heart: I lost seven pounds in less than two weeks. My poor bestfriend, Marilyn, had to suffer through the pain with me (being that we were practically connected at the hip). But a final heart breaker would enter my life a month after the break-up (which by the way, was on Valentine’s Day): Dace.
Dace and I worked at the same dance studio. I taught (still do), Musical Theatre and he taught Acrobatics. Funny, I’d seen this mysterious and quite-frankly, weird, acro teacher a few times, but didn’t think much of him (except that he was kind of strange). But one day, after going out with a few mutual friends (his friend, David liked me), I became attracted to him. We started “exclusively dating” (not officially), that same week. It would be two months until he’d ask me on prom night to make it official. I was on cloud nine with this boy–until he revealed another side of himself (literally). This boy was more confusing, conflicting, and complicated than any guy I dated before him. He was truly a nice guy, but had lots of unresolved issues that broke us apart. He couldn’t give his heart over to me as I had so willfully given him mine (I was ready to finally lose my virginity), but he denied both my goods (we did, however, do other things sexually, which I regret), and my heart, and this time, I was broken for real. I was done. I had made this boy, unbeknowest to me, my god. I loved him more than anything, thought about him more than anything, and was willing to give up all I had to offer, just so I could be with him forever. And this, was a problem.
See, I had set my heart up for the shattering. I thrust my heart into the hands of boys who couldn’t handle it with care and who definitly couldn’t open up their hearts to me. Whether it be paternal issues or some other family issues, they had been sinned against, and these unhealed wounds disabled them from moving on and loving freely, without doubt or fear.
The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear.” I didn’t know this while in relationship with these boys, but they were incapable of loving me, because fear had crippled them, and the only way they would ever be able to love me completely, was if and when Perfect Love cast it out. Do you know where Perfect Love comes from? God.
The Bible says, “God is love,” and that, “We love because He first loved us.” If we want to know how to love, the best example of love that ever walked this earth was Jesus Christ Himself. He said that everything He did, He’d seen the Father do. He said that He and the Father were one. So God came down, in the likeness of man, so that we can know Perfect Love, in hopes that we would not only emulate it, but embrace it.
So what am I saying?
Lovely lady (or even gentleman), reading this blog, if you have given your heart over to another human being, so much so, that you think about them at least 95% of the time, you are setting yourself up for heart break, because there is no human being on the planet that can love you perfectly. I’m married, and my husband loves me, and although it’s lightyears better than any guy before him, it’s definitly not a perfect love. It get’s better and will continue to do so because He is a man of God and wants to obey God’s commands on how to love and Christ lives in his heart, so He has the capacity to love me immensely and display it beautifully, but only God can love me and does love me with utter perfection. There’s a term in the greek for God’s love called “agape” it means, ‘God’s unconditional love.’ He’s the only one that knows every single sin you’ve ever commited and even the ones you will later, and yet, loves you unconditionally. He knows every thought you’ve ever had, and still loves you. He actually formed you, gave you the gifts and the passions you hold. He’s so in love with you, He watches you every second of the day. He knows everything you do. He seeks opportunity to knock on your heart, to whisper in your ear, to let you know He is there, in hopes that by His love and grace, you’d acknowledge Him and want to pursue Him in return. Some people don’t believe in Him, I’d boldly say it’s because they’ve willfully turned a blind eye to His presence. They deny and deny Him until their hearts are so hard, they really cannot see Him in their life. The Bible calls it a veil. But Jesus can remove it, if they so choose.
God’s love is for everyone, the Bible makes it clear, but it also makes it clear that love is a choice. We can choose God’s love or we can deny it till our last breath. And then God’s critics balk at hell. If they want nothing to do with Him while here on earth, why would they want to go to heaven where they’ll be in His presence for eternity? What I’m saying is, love is a choice, and even hell is a choice. You can choose to give your heart to God, or you can give it to someone or something else. But in the end, that road leads to destruction. (Trust me, I’ve been there, and know plenty others who have been too).
So my prayer for you is that you give your heart to God. That you would simply say aloud to Him, ‘God, I open my heart to you now, and I invite you inside. I’m sick of the heart breaks and disappointments, I want someone who won’t let me down, I want You to be my God now.” But there’s one thing you have to understand, “He who has the Son, has the Father, He who does not have the Son, does not have the Father.”
‘Member how I mentioned earlier that Jesus said Him and God were one? Well, if you deny Jesus, you’re ultimately denying God, and love itself. Because Jesus died for us, this you may have heard, but what you may not have come to understand is that He did not do it in vain. He died because every person on this planet has broken some, if not all, of the Ten Commandments. We’ve basically broken God’s law. Whether it be by lying, lusting, hating someone, envying, taking something that doesn’t belong to us i.e. stealing, we’ve all broken it. And God as the Just Judge cannot overlook crime, just as an earthly judge would be considered unjust if he let a criminal go with no price to pay. But what does God do? He says, “I love this world so much, I don’t want them to have to pay the price which is eternal separation from Me, because I’m perfect and holy, and I cannot have criminals dwelling with Me. So this is what I’ll do, since I’m the only one who has never messed up, I’ll come down to them, in a form like theirs, and live a perfect life. Then I will die on their behalf, so that ‘whosoever’ chooses to trust in My Son, will be forgiven and have everlasting life.” This was Jesus’ message, and He made it very clear. I pray you choose the Son, choose life and forgiveness, and best of all, eternally perfect agape.
A guy flashes some big bills, rocks a car that costs the same amount as an apartment, only dines at expensive restaurants, dresses in Armani Exchange; is this enough to buy your affection? Is he kind: not really. Is he caring: not much. Does he treat you with respect: not neccassarily. If this is you, honey, I’m preachin’ to you!
There was a woman who came into the restaurant the other night where I work as a greeter, and she was with this Scrooge-faced man who–when she tried to put her arm around him–shoved her off for who knows what reason. She just smiled and played off his rude reaction. She then gave his arm a hug before quickly letting go and peering at her menu. It was sad, I can’t describe the image as well with words, but man, I felt bad for her. She was a beautiful woman and seemed very sweet, and this guy was all on his smart phone half the time, not really engaging her. She appeared to be more of an accessory than a girl he admired.
“But Natasha, you’ve only seen them together once.” Either way, I know of girls who are with guys that treat them indifferently and the girl is all hung up on the dude. Why be with someone who doesn’t treat you with love and appreciation? Why must you settle for a guy who doesn’t know how to love a woman or is too self-centered to consider the idea?
“How precious is Your steadfast love, O God! The children of men take refuge and
put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.”-Psalm 36:7
“But God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact that while we
were still sinners, Christ died for us.”-Romans 5:8
“But God–so rich is He in His mercy! Because of and in order to satisfy the
great and wonderful and intense love with which He loved us.” -Ephesians 2:4
This is the way God loves you and this is the way He calls for you to be loved:
“And walk in love, [esteeming and delighting in one another] as Christ loved us
and gave Himself up for us.”-Ephesians 5:2
“Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving
precedence and showing honor to one another.”-Romans 12:10
“Love does no wrong to one’s neighbor [it never hurts anybody]. Therefore love meets all the requirements and is the fulfilling of the Law.” Romans 13:10
“I give you a new commandment: that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another.”-John 13:34
Here’s the clincher:
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
If you’re with someone who does not love you as previously described, you need to get with it and get OUT! I’m not saying there’s a perfect man out there (no one is perfect), but I am saying there’s a man out there who will try his best to love you the way God calls him to. But before you can get that kind of prince, you have to give your heart to the only King who will never reject it or abuse it. Don’t waste another day of pain and sad hopes for something more. God is more, and He’s waiting to give you everything you need.
If you’re a serial dater like I once was, you may have a knack for re-dating an ex. My expert advice on the subject: DON’T DO IT!
First of all, if it didn’t work out before, what makes you think it’ll work out now? Too many of us are hooked, snatched, stuck, whatever you want to call it, on an ex boyfriend. I know a girl who went out with the same guy SEVEN TIMES! And she still “felt bad” for him! I know she’s not alone on this so if you’re on round three, four, or even just two with the same guy, step into my office.
THE EX RECAP
Recycle woman, I want to ask you to please recap what happened the first time that caused you two to break up. Now, be honest with yourself, is there a chance that it can happen again?
“Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Oh how true. The only thing that can stop a horn-dog in his tracks is a Divine Trainer! If he hasn’t encountered Him, RUN AWAY without thinking twice!
Maybe it wasn’t cheating, maybe it was too much fighting. Okay: yes, IF the guy is well-intended and truly cares for you, there is a remedy for this (see “Why men love b****es.” Why this is a lie.”). HOWEVER, if the fighting has anything to do with some major character flaws on his behalf e.g. lying, cheating, verbal abusing, physical abusing, control issues, jealously issues, DO NOT EVEN TRY WITH THE GUY! Cut him off!
THE WORLD SHIFT
If you’re thinking about giving an ex another go, chances are you had made him the sun of your universe or have an insecurity issue. BOTH need changing.
If he was your sun, meaning everything revolved around him, your disposition depended on him etc., stay single. Don’t give him OR another guy a try. You have to set your priorities straight. A guy can never be the epicenter of your world. He can be a nice addition to your world, but not the object of it.
Who is most important in your life?
The ideal answer to this question is God, then ourselves and then others. But I know for some of us it’s, “John, Alex, Brian, Juan,” or whoever the dude is, with ourselves last. For me, I somehow tricked myself into thinking God was important, that since I prayed every day to Him, I loved Him. But really, my ex Dace was way before God, and I loved him more. Most of the time when I went to God, it was about Dace! Sure I’d somewhat pray for my family, but really, the bulk of my prayers had selfish motives. A few times in our relationship I saw the intervention of God, the gentle knocking on my heart, trying to get my attention. Heck, I even said aloud once after Dace and I broke up the first time, “God, I think you’re trying to tell me to put You first.” Literally seconds after I said that, Dace told me he wanted to try again. But of course, after we started going out again, God was shoved to the back of the line with only a five-minute, “Hello, can you do this for me?” nightly phone call. It wasn’t until He intervened two more times that I truly decided to try to get to know Him, to pursue Him like I had so passionately pursued my ex. When I did, He swept me off my feet. Dace was no longer the center of my universe, God was. Funny, after I made that decision, the guy I could only dream about came marching along without me seeking him.
So once you let God show you what He’s got, it’s super easy to fall in love with Him and make Him first place in your life, but loving yourself next–after all the abuse and pain of past relationships–can be a bit more tricky.
A simple remedy: start seeing what God thinks of you. Yes, the Bible is ancient, but when you actually delve into it, you see how relative it is to the here and now. You discover the value you have as a special creation of God (think about it: God made man first and was like, “Wow, there is obviously something missing here,” and after making YOU, He was completely satisfied with the work of His hands).
God sees you as that necessary missing piece of the world. When you see all He entrusts you with–the responsibilities and how He commands men to treat you and what He has to say to the man who marries you–you basically feel like Daddy’s little princess that better be treated the way He would treat you or else!
Once you’ve learned to love God and yourself, MAYBE one day things will work out with your ex. But in most cases, there’s a prince out there waiting to step into your path and rescue you from all the terrible dragons of your past and that guy is definitly worth waiting for.
What you are about to read are actual personal blogs and emails of when I was enduring the worst heartbreak I had ever experienced. You will also be reading entries of when God mended my broken heart.
The time drags on
I was as free as my mind would have me believe
Away to another land…
A place so different…yet so familiar.
I was happy there
But like most things, it came to an end.
And there I was again,
Staring in your eyes.
The days are clear now,
My mind no longer clinging to blurred visions.
You can only hold onto something for so long, until your
hand begins to hurt,
Yet I’m numb to the pain now.
Made strong by the unexpected sameness of that foreign
And here we are.
Here I am.
Love, is meant to be shared…
And now again, the time passes
As I once and for all
Slowly drift away.
I’m sorry I held on so long.
I see that you’re happy. You found someone else. So I’m letting go. I only wish
I didn’t try again and go into this so blindly. I fooled myself into believing
you still loved me, taking your indirect response to when I said to you that after all this
time you still love me, as a yes. I didn’t consider it might mean a no, you
just didn’t want to say that because it would hurt me. I wish I didn’t believe
I had a chance. I guess losing me isn’t as great as a loss to you as it would
be if you lost her. That thought kills me, even though I don’t know all that
she’s done for you, I know all that I’ve done…I guess it’s just hard to
understand because I haven’t gotten over you. I guess if you get over someone,
it is easy to let them go. What does it matter if they’re in your life or not?
Maybe someday I‘ll feel like that too. I hope you don’t get angry with me, although
I honestly feel like you just might not…getting angry would mean you cared. And
my hopes for that are a little more than low. If you really care about someone,
you fight for them. Well, I feel like my fights over. I lost. I was trying to
be your friend, but I must admit the thought that after a while that might
change, was a strong motivation. Now that that motivations lost, it would be a
lot harder. So, I don’t think I can or we should be friends. Either way, it won’t
be much of a loss for you. Maybe when I’ve reached that point of not caring for
you in that sense anymore, I can be. I hate being selfish, I was really trying
not to be, no longer overstepping the boundaries, holding back from touching
you, holding you. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that although I couldn’t,
someone else was able to. Knowing that information now would be too much. I
hope you can understand.
I wish things could be
I wish it didn’t have to be
I wish you wouldn’t make it
I wish this was easier.
I wish I could be with you.
I wish we didn’t have to let
I wish you wouldn’t act on
We both have to be alone.
I wish I could have kissed
I wish I could have hugged
you one last time.
I wish I would have stayed in
your arms longer.
I wish I never needed you.
Maybe the tides can turn.
Maybe the wind will change.
Maybe when I’ve learned to
only need Him,
Maybe when I’ve finally put
One can wish, right?
We somewhat know what the
I wish it didn’t matter.
I wish we could have tried
anyways and been together until we really had to say goodbye.
I wish I never saw the pain
in your eyes.
I wish I never felt it when I
was in your arms.
I wish you never told me how
it felt when you kissed me.
It made my chest burn and the
blood rush to my head.
I wish I was never addicted
I wish I never cared so much.
I wish I could have put God
because maybe then we wouldn’t
be in this mess.
I wish you knew you’re not
the only one who’s hurt.
I wish I could have learned
this lesson sooner.
I wish I didn’t still have
this tiny hope.
I wish you still didn’t have
a piece of me.
I wish this won’t take too
Maybe then I can be a part of
your life again.
Only if I love Him first…
I wish you knew how blinded
my love for you made me.
I really believe I put you
Love that true can be
I wish you’d understand He
must come first.
I wish you wouldn’t be angry
I wish you knew how what you’re
doing is jabbing the knife in deeper and deeper.
I can only wish you care.
I can only wish you wouldn’t
twist the knife.
I wish I can look into your
Now when I think of you I see
the last time I peered into your face.
I wish the last look was a
I wish we could someday be
But He’ll never let it happen
if we don’t both put Him first.
And maybe even if we do, it
it’s worth a try
I don’t hate. I only love. I
don’t regret. I understand. I forgive. I pray.
Have hope. Have faith. Have
I am, and always will be,
here for you.
I honestly see the world so
I see people differently.
I don’t think the way I used to.
I don’t judge the way I used
I don’t hate.
Ever Since I drew near to Him, really allowed
Him (Jesus), to come inside; He’s changed my mind and my heart.
But only for the better.
I thought taking a shower
alone with lights low was the closest thing to complete peace I’d ever get.
But I never knew the peace He
can give me.
I thought those intimate moments I spent with
my ex were the closest feelings to love I’d ever feel.
I didn’t know the love He can give me.
As my eyes rest on the eyes
of a dream,
My heart skips a beat and I
have to remind myself to breathe.
Unbelievingly soaking in a
reality that’s surreal.
Hard to accept something so
wonderful didn’t stem from my unconscious.
But then it’s easy to accept
he shouldn’t be such a wonder,
For although my mind couldn’t
invent such a blessing as he,
The Hands that created him
are in the business of making miracles.
I’ve come to realize, not only by experience, but by
the experiences of others as well, that love without God, is tainted. There’s
always something wrong. Very wrong. And if not seemingly very wrong, then
something just isn’t right. There’s this missing piece. And what’s sad and very
tragic about this is a lot of us know it. How many times have I heard, “love
sucks,” or “love hurts”? Thing is, it isn’t supposed to suck or hurt. But too
many of us don’t know this. So, the majority of us simply settle. We’re either
constantly getting into fights with the person we’re in a relationship with,
verbally abusing each other, sometimes even getting physical, and we think, “this
is as good as it gets.” Cursing at each other, lying, playing games with one
another, being negatively physical towards each other, using each other; it’s
tainted. The body, heart, and mind were not meant to be abused.
Some say they’re merely putting up with the person’s faults. But if you had God, you wouldn’t
have to. I’m not saying there won’t be trials, but with God, respect, care,
trust, empathy, understanding, simply comes natural to a relationship. You find
yourselves striving to please each other; wanting to express your love for the
other person as much as possible. Simply connecting on a level that far
surpasses any level a mere physical relationship can take you. Not that the
physical side of a relationship is unimportant, but it’s the least important.
Physical beauty eventually fades, physical mobility eventually disintegrates.
Then what’s left after the sexual part of your relationship has come to a major
slow down or complete stop? Would you still yearn and love the person as much
as you did while you were so physically engaged?
God starts off with the spiritual first. And that’s where true love begins, resides, and lasts until
the end. When two souls know they were molded to compliment the other, sex isn’t
what reveals that. It’s when you get to know each other, your true selves,
which can only be discovered through a relationship with God, is this discovery
made. To many of us, sometimes romance movies can seem so unrealistic. We find
ourselves wishing we were that lucky guy or girl, or saying to ourselves, “I
wish there was a girl/guy like that out there.” The characters and the story
are almost perfect. They always meet by “fate” and end up falling in love and
finding the other to be perfect for them.
The amazing thing is: God’s love stories are even more unreal and perfect than any screenwriter or novelist’s imagination. When I hear the stories of how Christians met their husband or
wife in comparison to people who are in a relationship and just believe in God
or don’t even believe in Him, I am further convinced at just how true love
without God is tainted. Yes, I’m saying even if you believe in God, you’re
relationship is not what it can be. It’s one thing to believe in Him, but it’s
a whole ‘nother ball park when you have a relationship with Him. Relationship?
you might ask.
Well, God is known as “The Father.” The obvious reason being, He
created us. But He’s not only called our Father because He created us, but
because He does everything else dads are supposed to do: love us, guide us,
teach us and gently discipline us. He does all of these things and more. So
when you have tapped into the Being that literally is love and the creator of
it, only then are you truly experiencing all that is was created to be. Without
Him, you have the copy of love, the imitation. The tainted, beat up one the
world offers you. They come in all different forms, I’ve mentioned a few of
them, but I’ll mention them again: the abusive love; verbally/physically, the
love blinded by sex; the lust for one another’s body and the way you make each
other “feel” the tricky love where you play games with one another to hook
each other, then there’s simply those who are in a relationship because for the
most part, they do get along and have a lot in common. But ask yourselves if
you haven’t already, “is this really as good as it gets?”
I guarantee you, although you may not share the same beliefs, the fact of the matter is, it can
get better. Way better. Even if you think you’re in a great relationship. That’s
just because you’ve never tasted what a relationship where God’s the foundation
and comes first is like. It really is a fairy tale, unreal, like a dream. He
finds this amazing person for you, that not only in the present, but in the
long run will compliment you and help you with your purpose; be that extra
support so many of us want and need. This person is better than any dream guy
or girl you’ve created for yourself. And if you’re already in a relationship
and you find God together and place Him as the guide for your relationship, you’ll
be molded to fit each other (mainly if you’re already married), or if you’re
just boyfriend and girlfriend, you go your separate ways and find that other
person you’re supposed to be with (not always. He can make it work with the two
of you. Sometimes it takes one or both of you to come together to find Him, hence
why not all Christian relationships work. Just because both people are
Christian doesn’t mean they’re made for each other. My pastor went through four
amazing Christian women but with each one something was missing and God was
saying, “nope, it’s not her,” until finally he laid eyes on the woman he
predicted he’d someday marry, and sure as heck, they did and she was what he’d
been praying for and more. I’m writing this because I just may have found that
person God created for me. Maybe I’m wrong, I am only human, but I do know that
so far, the “coincidences,” everything we have in common, how we even came
together, how much of a dream and unreal this guy is, he’s everything I’d ask
for in a guy and more. And it’s amazing how God was at work in our relationship
even before we met face to face…
I remember a time when I loved me some bad boys. I had this jacked up motto, “I don’t like good guys because they don’t have enough problems. If they don’t have problems, I can’t help them so what’s the point in me being their girlfriend?” That philosophy was flipped like a olypmic gymnast.
After bad boy number fifty-something, I got fed up with the problems. Why? Because eventually every problematic boyfriend I had, dumped me because of their problems [or I dumped him]! Here’s some true life examples.
EXAMPLE # 1: JACK THE POTHEAD
Jack was hot. He was tall, carmel skin with a touch of vanilla and long dark hair. He was Puerto Rican/Jamaican, mysterious and seductive. I would see him on rare occasion during lunch, knowing that he was skipping class to be there. Something else I knew about him: he was the go-to guy for marijuana. I wasn’t big on the drug, but it didn’t bother me that he sold/smoked it…until we started going out.
He’d go missing for a week, two weeks in a row then randomly appear at school again. I felt like I was going out with a not-so-friendly version of Casper the ghost. We went out for a month and during that time hung out only three times. Finally, I called him on the phone to confront him about it:
“It’s either me or the weed.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t give it up.”
“So we’re over then?”
EXAMPLE # 2: DACE THE TWOFACE
Dace rocked the whole wide raver jeans, tattoos and eyebrow ring. The typical hot bad boy. I was immediately drawn to him. We became official two months after we started dating. Suddenly, many bones were pouring out the closet. He had the most issues than any guy I had before him, but I swore I would help him with my love and that he would eventually get better. His alter ego, Aridon, wasn’t havin’ that. Eventually, after three break-ups, I realized his unresolved issues were too much and couldn’t possibly coexist with a healthy and lasting relationship. And this final relationship [before my wonderful husband] was the clincher.
I realized these problematic bad boys were bringing in heavy baggage, way too heavy for me to bear. I realized the relationships weren’t healthy, but damaging. I understood that all the tears I shed and battles I fought to try and “help” these guys simply gave me more baggage to bring into my next relationship. That surely wasn’t fair for the good guy out there who I would someday marry. When my heart was crushed beyond hopeful repair is when a good guy sounded pretty dang nice. Thankfully, I called out to the best heart Surgeon in the industry (God) and he sowed up my tattered heart in less than a week. But my goodness do I wish I got this sooner. What heartache it would have spared me!
When I met my hubby, I was blown away. He had more hotness than any bad boy I wasted time on before him, but he was a sweetheart! He swept me off my feet with his romantic antics. No bad boy before him ever took me out to a nice restaurant, spent more than a hundred bucks on me in a single event, went out of his way to bring me lunch, take me horseback riding on the beach. If I would have known he was going to be the one, I would have turned away from any and every guy that caught my attention and simply waited till I met him. So, I write this for you, bad boy lover. Here’s some learned [and essential] truths:
BAD BOYS———————————-GOOD GUYS
Not the best romancers Typically very good romancers
Treat you like a possession Treat you like a princess
Want your body stat Will wait for access to your body
Not always respectful to parents Always respectful to parents
Usually more aggressive attitudes More on the gentle side
Problematic aka trouble makers Problem solvers
Just living in the moment Preparing for the future
Thinking in just “my girl for now” Thinking of long-term and/or
terms eventually marriage
Can put your life in danger Places you in safety
Puts your heart on the edge Puts your heart at ease
Confused or tainted love Certain and pure love
Think you love bad boys? Think again.
I don’t need to explain break-ups or the heart-breaks they bring. So let’s cut to the chase and talk about how we can get our broken-hearts mended again.
STEP ONE: CRY OUT FOR HELP
Sometimes, when we experience heart-break, we shut ourselves out from the world and lock ourselves inside a bubble of pain. Doing this is potentially fatal. If it doesn’t cause death in the literal sense it can cause death to other things: certain aspects of your personality, your dreams, your desires, current friendships etc. You have to cry out. But don’t do so horizontally, cry out vertically. When you’re down, the best place to look is up. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” (Psalm 34:18) Test God if you doubt this. I guarantee if you cry out to Him in the humbleness of your heart, He will answer.
STEP TWO: GET SUPPORT
Family is great, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Don’t surround yourself with “friends” that aren’t helping you grow. When you’ve hung out with the same people for a couple of years and you’re still doing the same things, something is wrong. They aren’t growing up and neither are you. Some people you have to cut. It doesn’t matter how much fun you have with them or how long you’ve known them. This is about you growing for the better and getting healed. Doing the same things isn’t going to change your situation. You have to change your surroundings, the things that have influence on you, if you want change. Pray about good friends being placed in your path. People who will love you and invest time in you and care for you, pray with you, encourage and build you up, not keep you stagnant. If opportunities arise, go for it. If someone invites you to a church or home Bible study, go for it. You never know what amazing friends you’ll meet.
STEP THREE: STAY CONNECTED
Once you’ve been blessed with the right people, stay connected to them. Continue hanging out with them, talking to them on the phone, facebooking, whatever. Just stay connected.
STEP FOUR: NEVER LOOK BACK
Don’t be surprised if after all this happens, or even when it starts to happen, your ex or whatever it was that broke your heart before the healing began, pops up again to say hello. If it does, don’t look back. Turn the other cheek and keep on walkin’ honey. That ex will promise not to break your heart again, but don’t believe it. Don’t even answer the phone! If they’re persistent, CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. Seriously, you cannot fall for that again. Let your new support know if you’re finding it challenging to turn away from the past. Allow them to help you and to remind you how far you’ve come and to not throw it away for another broken heart. You’re worth more, remember that. You’re a princess and you weren’t brought into this world to get your heart trampled on by men. You were placed here to be loved and to love in return. To love God first and foremost, and then to love people. If you have a desire to also love and be loved by a man in specific, God will send Him your way when the time is right. You don’t have to worry or carry around binoculars anymore. God’s got ‘em. Put Him first and watch how everything else falls into place. A princess being carried in the chariot of the mightiest King, allowing Him to lead the way. It’s a beautiful place to be.
“She was the love of my life.”
Sometimes, I think people should replace the word “love” for “lust.” I openly admit and realize that with my ex, whom I honestly believed I was head over heels in love with, although part of me did love him, lust played a huge part in my feelings toward him. Heck, lust was where most of the feelings stemmed from.
I remember how I would literally hyperventilate at times, my head would spin and my entire stomach and chest would burn within me at his touch. I even got the burning sensation once when he simply spoke about how he felt when he kissed me.
In the moment, I never thought, “Hey, I’m totally lusting the heck out of this guy,” instead, the thoughts I focused on were, “I love him, I can’t let him go, I’ve never felt this way for anyone before.” Little did I know at the time, the reason I had never felt the way I did for him for any guy before him was because, up until that point, I was never that intimate with a guy. I didn’t have sex with him, but the fact that we were intimate in other ways was enough to have my lust up to a level it had never been to before.
I believe I’m not the only girl who has done this. I think many girls that are intimate with a man become so attached to him and they believe they are so in love with him, when the majority of those feelings are just, feelings.
I would challenge any girl reading this blog right now who has a boyfriend and is intimate with him to stop, to even leave out the tongue when you kiss and then see what happens. Or, in the future, when you’re with a guy, be slightly prude. Yes, I said the dreaded p-word. Ladies, let me tell you something, forget what you’ve heard, decent guys would prefer a prude over a 7/11 girl ANY day! And an honest guy would tell you himself, “I respect a girl a lot more if she chooses not to have sex with me.” Please, challenge me on that one if you’re in doubt.
Why do I insist on these things? Because I care for you and I’ve been heart-broken too many times to not let you girls know what I’ve come to understand. You’re priceless. See what happens. I can guarantee this: you’ll be a lot less confused if you choose to cut out some of the physical intimacy. I pray one day you hear the words, “I will respect and honor you until the day you’re my wife.” If I can hear it, trust me, you can too.
When we’re in love the feelings are so… pleasurable. We just love when our stomach gets butterflies, our heart races and blood leaves our cheeks flushed. It’s all so satisfying.
Until it dies.
“Whatever a [woman] sows she will also reap, because the one who sows to her flesh will reap corruption from the flesh…”
I was watching the television show ”The Bachelorette” specifically for this blog. Ashley is a young woman on the search for love. In order to do this, she’s flown away to exotic places in China where she serial dates her way to The One. She’s expected to date 25 men at the same time in hopes that she will find her future husband.
In a sneak peek at what’s coming next in the series, clips of the final episode find her breaking down in tears saying, “Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. This isn’t fair. I hate this. I feel like I’m so alone in this journey and my heart is totally broken.”
What she did was allow herself to date multiple men, in extremely romantic places, building up all those emotions and feelings for them in a short period of time. This is what many of us do. Maybe not with multiple men at the same time, but over a period of time, we date and break up, date and break up, date and break up some more. We open the doors of our hearts and let these men walk right in. We give our heart away just to have the guy handle it like a hot potato. We end up bruised and broken all because we let our feelings get the best of us.
Understandably so, tons of women have fallen for the lie depicted in too many romantic comedies: “Date a guy, get real romantic, make sure you test him out by giving your body to him, building up all those emotions, and eventually you two will be romantically satisfied and your void for love will be filled.”
When really, we do this and come out completely dissatisfied and in serious pain, feeling hopeless that we’ll ever “find” that man who will cherish us.
So, here’s some advice that is completely counter-societal:
Don’t even look for a guy. You don’t have to. If the guy is out there (which, if you have a desire to be married someday, he is), he’ll come into your path, without you having to go on a search and rescue mission to find him.
Don’t “date” in the romantic sense where you’re completely alone with a guy and tempted to have him touch you up.
DO however, hang out in groups (not another couple so it becomes a double date). Start off as friends. As you get to know this person, don’t pour out secrets within the first couple of times you hang out. Sharing deep issues and the past builds up emotions quick. TAKE YOUR TIME before you begin to discuss your hopes and dreams, past and present.
Don’t, I repeat, DON’T have sex with the guy. At all. Meaning no oral either. This is where hanging out in groups comes in handy. Sex is the ultimate experience of physical pleasure and will lead to an emotional bondage to the person almost instantly. (“When women are skin-to-skin with a man, their brain secretes oxytocin that causes them to bond emotionally to that man.” Dr. Joe McIlhaney, Medical Institute for Sexual Health in Austin. “Oxytocin is so overwhelming in a woman’s brain that just a 20-second hug can cause a female to become bonded to a male.” It also decreases the more partners you have so by the time you actually settle down and get married the ability to bond is damaged. Also, young women that are sexually active are 3 times more likely to commit suicide than their virgin girl friends.)
Don’t be alone with him in his place or at your’s. That’s just asking for it.
5.) If there are any warning signs i.e. he is quick-tempered, calls you ANY profane or demeaning name, tries to persuade you to have sex with him, is caught lying, has a bad reputation, says he hates anyone i.e. “I hate my dad,” shows lack of responsibility or has a drug or alcohol addiction DROP ‘EM! (411: You CANNOT make someone change. Been there, done that and I’ve failed enough times to tell you, it doesn’t work. Unless they truly want to change and make their own efforts to do so for themselves it’s best to walk away before he leaves you with more baggage to bring in to the right relationship.)
Don’t seek to get to know someone unless you believe this is the right person to marry. Why else get involved? If you date just to feel loved or have fun you’re dating to break up. And the more break ups, like I said previously, the more baggage you bring into the relationship you were ordained to be in.
Ladies, I’ve experienced enough heart-break to know dating in the societal sense doesn’t always give desired results. Call me old school, but back in the 50s and in earlier decades marriage was sky rocketing, where as now, the number of marriages is steadily declining and is actually at its lowest point in recorded history.
A man should have to wait to get into your heart. He needs to prove this is what he’s after. My husband, before we got married, told me he didn’t want to even kiss me anymore because he wanted to unselfishly get to know my heart. In other words, he wanted no hidden ulterior motives. He wanted to prove that he loved me for me and not for the way I made him feel. Sure we messed up a few times after he made that commitment, but it was usually because my weak self enticed him. (It was extremely hard to stay away from those luscious lips of his.) And let me tell you, on the wedding night, making out was so much more amazing since we hadn’t been.
The most important thing is for your heart to be protected. When the man you were made for actually comes into your path, you don’t want to hand him a tattered heart. I thank GOD that He healed my heart prior to meeting my prince, Jonathan. I was a hot mess before he stepped into the picture. In less than seven days, my broken heart was mended. I was smiling and happier than ever and I was single.
“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.”
The best advice I can give you ladies is to give your heart to God before you give it to a man. It starts with telling God you want Him to come into your heart. I simply cried out, “God speak to me, I need you,” and when He did, I decided to put Him first. I pursued Him with more zeal than I did any man before Him and He revealed His love to me in undeniable and beautiful ways. I pray you come to know that love and then, when you meet the man God shaped for you, your love won’t be corrupted.